Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live