@funnyoneliners: When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
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@DaddyJew: Doctor: are u high? Me: no, why? D: bc ur dressed like Batman M: well maybe Batman dresses like me D:... M: alright yea im a lil high
@mstluvstrinkets: Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd's asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.
@causticbob: I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
@Coolisiana: (Date) ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue* HER: *giggles* 1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik's cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*