At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
You Might Also Like
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”