The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Breaking news:
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work