Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
The little toadstool has spoken.