11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
get you a girl who