Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
You Might Also Like
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.