When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”