@thebeavs: When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety.
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@OctopusCaveman: Apparently, if a cop tells you to do something, you’re supposed to do it even if he doesn’t say “Simon says.”
@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Don't be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam. ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
@krissywillbretz: Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors. Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.