A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped