@JohnHilsen: When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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@U_Want_Shum_M8: i'll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
@ObviouslyJustMe: Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
@ericsshadow: HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems *i pick up my phone* HER: your behavior is untenable "hold on I'm still googling exacerbate"
@Dishy2101: Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.