@JohnHilsen: When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
@senorwinces: Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead