When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
This forever.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs