Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now