@torrami: When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
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@SaraMansford: Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You're doing great work, but I've identified a bunch of people you've overlooked.
@superdadatron: Lies I'll never stop telling: 1. I'd never put you in a home, mom. 2. It's 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
@Reverend_Scott: DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]