Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?