I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
i think both sides are to blame here
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.