When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
True freaking story!
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”