When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.