When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
o shit
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard