@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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@wesleybordelon: Hey guys, what's the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?
@Ristolable: [First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*
@mortimermaiden: *signing sign in sheet* (to myself): This will be worth a lot once I'm famous. Hospital Nurse: Alright let's get that pea out of your ear.
@ultimatesteve: *phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""