@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.
@RidiculousSheri: Love means never having to say you're sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
@My_Higherness: Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor. We don't care...as long as there is shaking.
@Tmoney68: I don't know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.