When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT