[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”