@KentWGraham: When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs? ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
@juliussharpe: Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don't know karate 3) Rob them
@TheRobCee: [furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk] "Don't you wish there was an easier way?" [cut to carton of butter milk]