When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?