When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Seek kebab; not attention
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake