Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Saw online –
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing