Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
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Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
i guess his teacher was really pissed
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent