When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there