@KentWGraham: When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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@ShrinkMedia: If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
@jordan_stratton: COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?! ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans. MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
@internetluke: [sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?