When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest