@Adar79Angie: When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it's the saddest tiny rodeo you've ever seen.
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@Beerhaze: I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
@QwertyJones3: HER: I'm a member of my local Rotary Club. ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
@peteholmes: train me. no. train me. okay. training montage. the big fight. i'm glad you trained me. i'm glad i trained you. #everyboxingmovie
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.