@thesulk: When I call 911, I'm gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.
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@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@MartaEffing: When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm asthmatic.
@SufficientCharm: 6am: Too tired 8am: This isn't so bad 1pm: OMG so tired 5pm: zombie 8pm: Dead 10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS