Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right