(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless