There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
i can’t wait that long
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day