@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
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@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
@Chumpstring: [blind date gets in car] Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch 'em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
@jay_as_hell: choose one to drop: 1. acid 2. bass 3. out of college 4. the assault charges 5. that thun thun thun