@astutenewf: When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
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@chimneyspotter: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
@leechee420: Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers.
@yonewt: Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
@LeonEarlgrey: I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.