Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.