The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Meeeee too!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My Plans 2020
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed