I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
m’lady
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
not seeing the problem
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long