@WilliamAder: When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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@repomon: Knock knock?? Who's there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
@Blunt_Sarcastic: When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.
@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
@trevso_electric: turns out the 'kkk' are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages :(