When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
the greatest twitter interaction
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.