“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”