When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
my retirement plan is braless
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.