@WheelTod: When I can't afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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@Coops_Bradley: Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote "California" for ethnicity on her clinic forms.
@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@causticbob: There are 4 stages in life 1)You believe in Santa Claus 2)You don't believe in Santa Claus 3)You are Santa Claus 4)You look like Santa Claus
@stuckinaportal: *wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets* WE ARET HROUGH maybe it's an anagram *rearranges* ROUGH WEATHER whoa better pack an umbrella