When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?