When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Have kids, they said
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.