@unravelingfire: When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work.
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@specialsquid: "Hi, my name is Gary and I'm a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store."
@zachreinert03: Every time I see the headline 'tragedy on film set' I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
@DadandBuried: Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery. 6yo: Flat gray piece. Me: Here. 6: 5 square red blocks. M: Here. 6: I said RED!
@robfee: My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.