When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.