When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day