@OfficeofSteve: When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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@KeetPotato: leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
@cbdoubleu: Wife: I lost my day planner. Me: Not in your briefcase? W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE. M: Well it looks like you've got a hidden agenda W:
@J0hnnyBlaze: "Omg, I literally just died" -people who literally don't know what literally means
@kyle_thatisall: If your girl says "Hey guess what!" you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.