@OfficeofSteve: When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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@jwoodham: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
@madeleinesweet: *on the subway* CUTE GUY: [mouths “hi”] PRETTY GIRL: [mouths “hi” back] ME, IN BETWEEN THEM: [exaggeratedly mouths "YOU GUYS LIKE HOTDOGS"]
@TheTweetOfGod: Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren't both opposed to it.