When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)