@GayAtHomeDad: When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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@DurtMcHurtt: TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means? ME: *hand up* TEACHER: again, it's not a workout video for ostriches. ME: *hand down*
@causticbob: USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
@BGH70: When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, "significantly less bleeding." Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
@KeetPotato: [tv commercial] me: "know what i'd love for breakfast?" mum: "what's that son?" me: "if someone pre-chewed my food" narrator: "porridge"