@GayAtHomeDad: When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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@ImaFlyontheWall: Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok
@stanleybehrman: From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
@krissywillbretz: Since I'm wearing a white top, I'm going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
@KentWGraham: Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.