when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE