When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
WHY would you be happy about this?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
boat question
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.