When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I think this cat is broken
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.