When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Ha
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”