When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My dog ate my work from home.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more