When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
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“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
This is a true ally.
“What movie?” 🤔
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
courtroom exchange of the day
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.