@copymama: When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
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@iAmDelFreaky: Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
@coolidiot2000: [doctors exam] "I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps." -uh oh, what does that mean doc? "it means you're fat"
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses. 5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?