When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.