When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Bringing home a sharpie
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Current mood: Potato