When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”