@hazelmotes1: When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
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@lasergirl70: Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
@CYComedy: Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named "Marco" in the supermarket just now.
@LoveNLunchmeat: This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs? Me: Would you eat them if they were? 4: No! Me: 4: Unless I had ketchup.