Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Sorry not sorry.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!