mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
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[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.